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Hello === Lets have sex

Hi === lets have sex

Hola === lets have sex

(anything) === lets have sex

(nothing said) === should we have sex?

My minds like a steel trap === rusted shut

Don't play stupid with me === I'm better at it

I didn't mean that === I really meant that and more...

Life sucks === and it leaves some mean hickies

Give it a chance === this will take a miracle

Not bad for a first try === It sucks

You do this so much better than me === I don't want to do it

Lets just be friends === flag on the plan, penalty, game over

Live as long as you like === it won't shorten how long your dead

Not right now dear === when hell freezes over!

Don't sweat the petty things === don't pet the sweaty things

What a surprise! === Oh God just let me die...

You fell down, let me help you === hahhhaaahha ha ahaa ha ha

I always take a relaxed attitude toward a problem like this === I ignore it

Don't worry about it === You're dead as far as I'm concerned

I'm not anxious === I'm just terribly terribly alert

Parts is parts === Leftover parts after a repair is normal...?

Oakie Dokie === even I can't make this one out??? 

Bless your heart === You are an idiot who has totally screwed up!

I got your back!!! === I'll be standing right behind it

Oh, that's okay === it's not really, but  you're starting to get on my nerves

I don't want to take up too much of your time === I don't want to waste mine.

I appreciate that === stop now while your ahead

I won't forget === I never understood it in the first place

Really?=== STOP YAPPING!

hunnmmmrruupphh === Let's get this over

You look great === I have no idea what I did, but I can tell you're mad

I thought you only ate low fat peanut butter === Stop eating my peanut butter

Fine! === You're probably right, but I don't care

I can't seem to find my screwdriver === Stop messing with my tools

I miss you! === I've been doing something bad

I hate that guy === I wish I could do what he does

Where is the______? === Bring me the_______.

Got to go! === I've heard enough of you're b.s.

Your so smart honey === Why didn't I think of that?

No problem === isn't it time for you to leave!

I always know when you're here === I can smell your feet

Of course I'd like to meet your folks === just not yet

You don't need to go on a diet! === it's too late now!

Let me tell you my idea === Here's how we're going to do it.

How are you? === Please don't really answer that

Let me try === so we can get it done in this lifetime 

You look fine === Is there anything I can say so that we can be on time?

You look fine === I'll bite my own tongue off before I say the truth

I think we need a cell phone === I want a cell phone

I could use a sandwich === Do you want to make me a sandwich

OK, you got my attention === little good that'll do you

I was born ready === Let me check first with the wife

I'm not a little boy === I need a hug

Hi === Let's sleep together

Hello === Let's sleep together

Bye === Let's sleep together some time later

What? === Sorry, I was fantasizing

Yes === Now let's sleep together

No === But let's sleep together anyway

Let's have dinner === and then we can sleep together

No, it's OK if you're lesbian === Let's sleep together, bring your friends

My favorite Speakisms

Single === looking

Married === Just looking

Verptitude === a female quality that makes you want to jump her without knowing exactly why

These don't fit in, but I liked them to much not to share:

But Daddy, I'm thirsty === Shut up & put the toilet seat down.

So I said to my wife === Look George!

Mary Rose === She sat on a Tack.

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