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I am devoted to the Jon Stewart show and watch close to every episode. On Tivo I recently saw that his show is in the top ten of all of their recorded shows. However, he has a bias that is subtle and worth mentioning, he love actors and his chosen profession. This is great for him as he gets to live his dream. Unfortunately, this leads to a bias in the information that is being presented. He panders to the entertainment industry at the cost of other points of view. This is also great for him as he probably gets positive feedback from his chosen industry, I'm sure that they return his love, but at what cost. He is very influential according to surveys and the like, so it is important to realize that he is not giving a fair playing field to his comedic interpretation of news events. While the Jon Stewart show is insightful, it is a comedy show within the entertainment industry and unfortunately this means the entertainment industry, for the most part, gets a free pass. For example, a popular actor stated that the Red Cross was a sham and that people should not donate to them and Jon didn't challenge this radical statement. The American Red Cross is an open book, highly visible, relief organization that can position literally billions of dollars in resources to disaster locations. It can and should be criticized for its mistakes, but it should not be judged on national TV, as being a disgrace immediately after our nations largest national disaster without challenge. Some Red Cross personnel did make mistakes during the Katrina relief effort, but nothing like the mistake Jon made by acting like a little naive schoolboy gaping at his hero, unwilling to make a joke at the expense of a movie star. A movie star that proved that without a script and retakes, they are not any smarter or wittier then anyone else, and probably a little out of touch.
This bias towards the entertainment field does not preclude me from watching this show and enjoying the humorous interpretation of current events. Unfortunately, sometimes I miss where reality stops and the joke begins. For instance he got me with his gag that Evian water is filtered with cow's blood. I stopped drinking Evian, and I imagine a lot of other people did too. Others well-known people made this claim too, since the French have become a target for bashing from the USA. I would imagine at the time the Jon Stewart show was responding to the mainstream bashing, probably from some unscrupulous bureaucrat, but I am the one that got duped. It was many months later that I looked this up, as I was challenged when I presented this tidbit as common knowledge. It was French wine, that up to several years ago, would use, among other substances, dried oxblood or blood albumen to remove impurities from from the wine. Now this I would need to know as wine can sits on the shelf for years before being sold, and I would not drink this knowingly. It must be concluded that even that which brings us entertainment is also subject to the same imperfections that we all suffer. I would ask comedians one thing though, if your combining a joke with something that is true, how about tipping us off after you get the laugh.
Peace out cat (or is that dog, I try to stay hip, but they keep changing the words)
I haven't written anything for a long time because the news has been too serious. Lets face it, terrorism is no laughing matter. So in the vein that we can now laugh, here are some jokes to gauge whether it's to soon to be jocular.
There is a problem finding suicide bombers, where are they going to keep finding people of that caliber?
What do you call a short terrorist, a low blow.
The seasoned FBI agent asked the rookie how long terrorists should be watched, and he replied, the same as the short ones.
What goes vroom vroom vroom boom? A terrorist driving through a mine field.
When is a terrorist not a terrorist, when he turns into a embassy.
... the cereal that goes snap, crackle, boom!
What's the last thing to go through a terrorist mind when he hits the windshield? His butt!
Why do terrorists lift a leg when they eat? They have finally learned that if they lift both of them they fall down.
And finally did you hear about the terrorist recruiter who tried to enlist tailors? He heard that they would dye for him.
Once again it's time for MYOB's predictions for the coming year.
President Bush will start calling the vice president by the name "Walter".
Microsoft will become bigger and harder.
The X-box will have the second game worth a damn released, by the end of the year.
Survivor type TV shows will become more competitive and will feature an episode that includes a reference to a "to the death" event.
Ross Perot will say that the Goo Goo Dolls are conspiring against him and no one will still care.
Sugar is classified as a healthy and Fat is revealed as being necessary to live. Over weight people rejoice and devour Dr Atkins in a eating binge.
No matter how good you are or good you feel you'll screw up. One of the unfortunate aspects of life is this being fallible part. The Muslim have probably the best rational for this joke on the human condition with the belief that "only God is perfect". They also take this - in my humble opinion - too far by adding flaws to their work as not to insult God.
So if we are cursed to be flawed and make mistakes in varying degrees every single day. We should have a strategy to respond to these miscalculations. So as public service here are some translations to your errors to help you save face.
1. ignorant - what did I do?
2. smart - just testing my theory on the magnitude of the gravitational pull in this area.
3. service - now no one else will be able to do that.
4. funny - this show was brought to you by my mother and father with an assist by a pediatrician.
5. over the top - spank you ... spank you very much.
Gluttony and the Religious Lady
I heard an interesting story of a female Christian diet book author who went too far. As long as she stayed politically correct she was golden. Fame, wealth, and all the associated trapping were hers... Then she said something that just pissed her fans off and she was ruined. Her tour was cancelled, and her books were taken off of the Christian booksellers shelves. She lost it all for saying that "gluttony is a sin".
I actually thought that was common knowledge, especially after the movie "Seven". You know the movie about the seven deadly sins like Vanity, Greed and of course Gluttony.... But I guess that if you want to sell books calling your fans sinners may be a faux pas. Which would be compounded by the fans desire to move from gluttony to vanity which is another no no.
So I would like to send a warning to the researchers who are currently working on a pill that would let a person eat all they want and not gain a pound. Don't mention gluttony or vanity, just keep that a secret.
I think the whole diet industry is a little corrupt, so it's hard to have too much sympathy for the author. I have a diet that works and is social responsible and probably the healthiest diet in the world. Just become a vegetarian, low fat, no cholesterol, low calories, and tasty. More evidence is coming to light every day about the dangers of eating meat. From food poisoning to mad cow disease eating meat is unhealthy!
The argument that vegetarian food is tasteless is untrue, I'm eating delicious food that I would never have been exposed to if I centered my diet around meat. And it's no longer inconvenient since you don't have to go to health food stores to buy meatless entries, they are available at regular supermarkets now. The other argument that vegetarian food are too expensive is also false. Since when are vegetable more expensive than meat. You can spend more if you buy pre-prepared entries, but that's the same if you buy pre-prepared meat entries.
If I sparked your curiosity I can recommend books by Jim Robbins, and if your a newbie, there is a "dummies guide vegetarianism" (which is a cool book that is easy to understand).
You can learn more from Peta's website. or get a free vegetarian starters kit from peta.
An interesting counterpoint from a concerned reader=
PeTA is a group of immoral imbeciles who couldn't reason their way out of a wet paper bag. Using them to further your vegetarian lifestyle choice is sort of like asking Hitler to recommend a nice place for a Passover Seder. I say that they are immoral because they would put all animal life on the same moral plain. I have a difficult time equating a cockroach with my mother or a dog with my children.
They are foolsbecause they think that nature works within a moral framework. Obviously, they didn't take (or took and didn't understand) evolutionary biology. In the real world, not only is every species out for himself, so is every animal. This idea of killing being wrong is a human construct,not shared by any other species, including the oft cited and sundry cetaceans (whales) or great apes (chimpanzees, gorillas, etc.). In order toavoid further derisive laughter from people with brains, I'd take down the PeTA link. But it's a free country and you can do what you want, I'lljust keep laughing.
My reply -
I think I understand your point ... since we're at the top of the evolutionary ladder we're entitled to kill, maim, and subjugate all other species. This is an interesting point and is unfortunately short sighted. There are many reasons to be a vegetarian other than being kind to animals. For example, it take approximately ten time the resources to make one serving of meat compared to a vegan equivalent, that includes gas, water, and electricity etc... In a intelligent world I think that we can all understand that to maintain the use of resources at our current level (in the USA) will eventually kill us all. We are creating more pollution and trash than the world can absorb, and to ignore the problem like the corporate controlled media is doing, will not solve the problem. And on a final note I'm surprised that your having a difficult time equating your mother with a cockroach, I'm not...
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I was watching a special on happiness and the conclusion was that the number one thing that makes us happy is control. Control over all aspects of our life like our wealth, health, relationships and the like, sounds likes a well thought out premise. But what about something that we would be willing to give up control for??? Like beliefs, loves, and principles. I think that to be able to control all aspects of our life is impossible, so where is the happiness in that.
We can't control our lifes, it's the way we were brought into this world. No guarantees, no warranty, and we don't even get to choose out parents. We're literally thrown into this world, body first, healthy or not here we are. So if control is not currently an option then what will make us happy? Some people say that happiness lies in "acceptance of the things that we can't control". Well that's just ducky isn't it, happiness lies in controlling the things we can and acceptance of what we can't. Sounds like a grade school lesson in philosophy.How about a third option.... finding absolutes. I was told in grade school that the only absolute was change. Well they misled to me about other stuff, why not absolutes. Let's try something simple first, like me taking a drink of water. That's an absolute. If you want to argue that point by saying that all life is an illusion, then say it like "the illusional person just took a drink of water." Onward... Another absolute, without water a person will die on average in three days. If your an existentialist and want to argue that point, what difference will it make?
So if your still reading this, what is the point. All the absolutes which are the laws of nature are absolute, and if one is found out to be wrong we made a mistake in interpreting it, and not that the law changed. So if you want to use the name God, or the force or whatever, we can see their truth, it's all around us and it's absolute. People die, people get sick, and we have been given the tools to change that. We have the absolute laws of nature and we're learning to manipulate them. We're curing illnesses that were incurable, we're extending the life expectancy, what do you think is next. Existentialism on steroids?Happiness is life and finding people to share it with. And please don't waste time hating or trying to control others, currently live is to short to waste. Play the cards your dealt, Mind Your Own Business and enjoy the journey, who knows what's coming next????
- = News flash = - All of the rich people are being cured of death. So far only Ross Perot and Bill Gates have been able to afford the cure but other billionaires are lining up. They are expected to release a statement to the press sometime within the next 200 years. Protester are expected to picket outside the Whitehouse.
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I just recently started getting the "Free Speech TV" station on my dish network. And it reminded me of an epiphany I had about a year ago. I was surfing through the TV stations and there was a story on network news on a gay pride march. It was presented in a neutral manner and the bias was hidden, which I will get to in a minute. Then during further surfing, on CBN they did a report on the same march and showed several men, on the side of the road where the march was taking place, dressed in leather straps with one man whipping another man on the butt. The bias was clearly against the goal of the march. But the networks bias wasn't as clear, they showed only men marching and in their neutral approach they were pandering to the advertisers that were paying their bills.
With all of this bias in the news, where do we go for the truth? I had high hopes for Free Speech TV, but they go to far to the left. I would expect that if they had covered the pride march, they would have done a passionate piece on the injustices that the gays were fighting. Now don't get me wrong, I love Free Speech TV, it exposes stories that aren't covered elsewhere.
So where is the truth? I suspect that it's somewhere in between the extreme left (FSTV) and the extreme right (CBN). But one thing is for sure it's not being reported on network TV. As long as they have to support themselves by advertising they will not step on their advertisers toes.
Nixon's motto was: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
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Norman Cousins
There I was minding my own business and I was ambushed, and I'm still dazed. I was in my holistic health class at WMU and they showed a video by John Robbins, yes that John Robbins (???) . I was in my usual blissful state, happy with life in general and they had the nerve to challenge my belief system. The video showed the harmful effects of meat on a human, heart disease, some cancers, obesity, and more... It showed the effects of raising all of these animals on the planet, and on the animal themselves (can you say veal). It upset me, I was happier in my ignorance. Yes, I did sign up for the class and was excited to be there. But to actually try to change me was not in the class listing.
I love a good steak or did... How can I enjoy one now... huh!!! Someones going to pay and unfortunately it probably going to be me. How can I look in my dogs faces when I eat ham, or at my cat when I fry chicken. Now some of you are not going to get this and I was one of you. I believed that the natural order was survival of the fittest and cows just didn't make the grade. But those days are gone, the farm animal is gone replace by a factory style assembly line, birth to slaughter. It's no longer the natural order, and a perversion that I will no longer support.
So expect to see some changes around here.The average age (life expectancy) of a meat eater is 63. I am on the verge of 85 and still work as hard as ever. I have lived quite long enough and I am trying to die; but I simply cannot do it. A single beef steak would finish me; but I cannot bring myself to swallow it. I am oppressed with a dread of living forever. That is the only disadvantage of vegetarianism.
-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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Time for the New Millennium Predictions
Every year (or whenever I feel like it) I feel compelled to predict (guess) the future:
»TV and the internet will merge and there will be 1,994,829,257 channels with nothing on.
» TV news programs desperate for advertising dollars will hire wrestlers to read the news
»The Clintons will be involved in another scandal, and no one will care.
»This year will be full of firsts, everyone will want to get in the record books as the first person who did such and such in the new millennium. Then after a year it will be agreed that the new millennium starts on 2001.
»Robin William will apologize for making a movie so bad that it's commercial of a dog licking it's genitals was the best part of the whole movie.
»Hugh Heffner will pass on and they won't be able to get the smile off of his face.
»Y2K experts will get caught secretly spreading computer viruses so that they can get jobs as security experts.
»Following Pamela Anderson Lee's Breast reduction, Jay Leno has a chin reduction and then realizes that his problem was that he's just got a big head.
»I will win a Peabody for my writing, which has that same chance as the rest of this stuff...
I have a feeling that when my ship comes in I'll be at the airport.
Charles M. Schultz
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Yet another person without a clue
I was reading an article about the web and the author (a self-righteous critic) said this one site was cool except that there was a banner ad on top of the pages. So I was wondering when we went to a socialist system. The last I knew this was still a capitalistic society. Which means of course that we should congratulate those that succeed at it. This is of course not an endorsement for spammers (or the telemarketers). But, to say that a website should fall within one persons ideal is to miss the point of what the web has become. People are making their living off of the web, their investing billions into it, and their work is changing the world.
And as much as I hate the power of advertising that uses manipulation as the means to it end. The web is going to become more and more commercial. Advertising is going to lower the price of getting online. There are already two companies that offer free ISP service if you give up some space for ads.
That should change AOL (hopefully) that bombards people that pay for the service with ads. You can go into AOL preferences and get rid of most of the ads, but to get rid of all of them you have to call them and say that you don't want to see any ads. So to recap AOL's policy, you pay them, they show you ads... nice work if you can get it???
I believe it was H. D. Thoreau that said that "if someone approaches you with the intent of doing you good, run like hell." So when I see how a site is making its money I understand their motivation. Advertising, selling, and the like are not inherently evil. I think some people that criticize others for trying to make a honest living should look in a mirror and then ram their head into it.
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After a year with no problems, my computer crashed. I remember it like it was yesterday, the sky was gray, and I was wearing black. I had received some good advice on how to check the registry to get rid of an ad that keep popping up. It worked, then I thought hey here's a way in the registry checker to see if I have any corrupt files, I hate corrupt files... And of course it found a couple and it then wanted the original installation disk which I promptly inserted. Cool I thought naively, and rebooted my system. It crashed so hard I couldn't get into the 'puter even in safe mode. I was facing DOS again .... my old enemy. I fought the good fight and after an evening wasted, I yelled "DOS be not Proud, for with a complete reinstall you shall perish once again". DOS won and I did a reinstall of all my software.
I back up my data regularly but still lost several days getting the 'puter back the way I wanted it. And I did lose my newsletter mailing list, which eluded me in the backup process. So should I cry, or kill the guy who lead me into the registry files or even claim a small victory in knowing that all that time I spent making backups of my data was not wasted time... I think that I will blame it all on GTE for putting that ad in the registry. Hey, GTE ... byte me!!!!!!! And lead me not into the registry files again.I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho MarxTop of the page
Einstein said that intelligence can be measured by the ability to solve a problem right the first time. I have often wondered if he thought that this included what we did in our youth. I made some serious mistakes in my younger years and regret them to this day. Now that I'm older and willing to act mature I look back and say why the hell did I do this or that...
I grew up and so did most of my friends (a few are still acting crazy). Now we have a President who smoked pot and G. W. Bush who may of did cocaine. I can't really throw stones cause that would be hypocritical and I won't . However, I want someone for President who can solve a problem the first time. Clinton was smart, but he couldn't solve the character issue and look how he embarrassed the country. Bush couldn't solve the character issue the first time either and I think he would be equally embarrassing...
People can turn their life around, if I had remained a punk I would probably be in jail now. Just because I didn't get it right the first time doesn't mean I couldn't be a great doctor or scientist or tool and die maker. But lets get a President this time who got it right the first time...Americans always try to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else.
Winston ChurchillTop of the page
An interesting subliminal approach that TV commercial use is the not the product itself but the conditions that the product is presented in. When was the commercial that you seen something real like several kid sitting around the kitchen table in their dirty play clothes. Unfortunately, this creates a sense that we must not only buy the product but the lifestyle. In their efforts to sell they need to create desire and they do this by creating dissatisfaction with more than just the pitched product. So have fun with the commercials and dissect them, cause that's what they're trying to do to us.
The other technique that I find bizarre is branding. The lizards selling beer is the best example on the boob tube. The concept is that they so closely relate their brand name with beer that when you think beer you think Budweiser. It's very subliminal and very effective, beer is Budweiser.
There is a need for advertising as it lets us know what is available and what is new. But all too often they take it too far and creating dissatisfaction with our lives is unforgivable.Top of the page
I just bought a new pickup and the traditional price negotiation process we have in the U.S. is unnerving at best. Even after I had done my research on the internet and determined a reasonable price, I found myself concerned about getting taken. So after getting the salesman down to my price I still ended up offering even less. I then left the dealership without accepting the reasonable offer. I've done that before with a realtor and I ended up eventually getting my way. Old habits die hard.
So the next day, after thinking about what I did, I went back and took the deal. I paid over a thousand less than the sticker price. It was a good deal.
This is a crude observation but I believe that men are less likely to pay to much for a car because we're not afraid of being unreasonable. And unfortunately this behavior gets positively reinforced by paying less. Some women have this ability, I've seen my sister-in-law in action and she gets good deals. It's unfortunate that I hear of mostly women paying the full retail price for a car. So I encourage everyone to do some homework and find an acceptable price and hold out for it.
This negotiation process is under attack and I hope at some point it does change. For example, the internet has exploded with new methods of selling the automobile.Top of the page
The euphemisms that people use to try to control us are really getting bizarre. The worst abuser of course is the government. In a report on bombing a site in Kosovo the spokesman called it "servicing the site". Since when is destroying and killing called "servicing", it sounds so positive I wanted to service my car until I figured out what they meant. It's not new, president Reagan was a master at it, remember the "Peacekeeper"? It's not a weapon that could kill millions, it was a Peacekeeper, I was so happy.
The other euphemism that is misleading is "soft target", it sounds so easy to target a soft target until you realize that they mean people. How about "police action" as a positive spin on such a nasty word as War. Does it remind you of the Nazis and their "pacification camps", it was such a nice way to refer to their concentration camps.
Please be critical of the spin doctors as they have gotten good at their trade. They try to influence us and euphemisms are a tool that they love. That there's "ethnic cleansing" (genocide) occurring should be enough to motivate us, do we also need to be pandered to.
And don't get me started on how the advertisers use euphemisms... That's another story for later.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Groucho MarxTop of the page
Sun Tzu said that we should keep our friends close and our enemies closer. His proposition was that we can learn from our enemies what our weaknesses are. And, that by not severing our relationship from our foes we can keep an eye on them. However, if you want to disassociate yourself from someone a good insult is the best way to do this. And I don't mean a wild expression of emotion, but a calculating cutting insult that will be remembered in infamy.
There's the "no way out insult"
Did you learn to be that stupid or does it come naturally?
The sly insult
Don't worry about it, there's no way I could like you less
The alliteration
nugatory nabob of negativity
The congratulatory insult
Your incompetence is an inspiration to morons everywhere.
The cruel insult
I miss every moment you weren't here.
Oldie but still cute
Did your parents have any kids that lived?
The insult that comes from an emotional base and has no thought will be as detrimental to you as your target. So take a deep breath and remember the musings of Sun Tzu. And if you still can't hold back, give it intelligence and wit, and at least you will deflect some of the awkwardness away from yourself.
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The end is coming and where are all the signs? It seems like there should be more nuts on the news. The new millennium needs more than Tom Snyder leaving TV and Craig Killborn taking over. OK, that is a sign that form is kicking the crap out of function, but not a sign that a big change is immanent. Maybe it's good that the streets aren't turning into flames and the president isn't up for world wide ridicule (heehehheee, he got caught!).
So far the turning of the calendar has only sparked cynicism and greed. Just about every variation of the year 2000 has been trademarked. Just to use the Latin MM© may result in a lawsuit if you don't seek licensing. That time can be used for profit harks a period that free speech is costing us more than ever. "The New Millennium®" is a time that business takes the lead and business is obviously good. The Year 2000™ should be a time that we seek reflection on the tragedies and sucesses of the last 1000 years. However, the rights for "Refection on the last 2000 years®" has been licensed and I can't afford authorization.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred AllenTop of the page
We have a strange society were sex is everywhere, TV, the internet, billboards, practically everywhere you look. If an advertiser knows your looking, they will try to put an ad there. However, the one place where it should be is lacking. I just went through a presentation of sexually transmitted diseases, and it was amazing how pervasive they actually are.
So why isn't this kind of information widely available to our youths, they are the ones that really need to know that some of this stuff can't be cured and of course that HIV is deadly. But can you tell me what is the disease that is 100 times easilier spread than HIV and is also incurable. Hepatitis "B" is on the loose and nobody's telling the kids on a wide and reliable bases. Most parents vote down sexual education in school and say that they will teach it at home. Then the statistics say that parents will not bring up the subject until the kids bring it up. We need to address this issue with respect to peoples religious beliefs and to the kids right to know that as beautiful an experience sex is "it's dangerous". So get involved with your local school board and bring this issue up... And when the closed minded try to shut you up, ask them what is the most commonly spread SDT, what are the STD's that can't be cured. You get the idea. Religion convictions are good, but they should not be an excuse to wear blinders.
If you see a turtle sitting on a fence post, you know it got some help.
anonTop of the page
So this guy asks me "what's the meaning of life?" Actually he might of said something like "get outta the way" but that doesn't matter now. So I sez to him in my kind and generous nature, "friends". Not only the friends that are in your house, but everywhere. Etiquette may be the rules of engagement but we have to meet the enemy. And like the old saying goes that enemy is usually ourselves. Take the time to bullshit, take the time to give that charm that you are saving a spring cleaning and go for it.
And I'll let you in on a method of dealing with others, and it does work. Everyone is the center of their own universe and sees everything from their own perspective. So if someone asks you what you did last night they usually want you to ask them what they did last night. And if someone is being altruistic they do have their own agenda somewhere in the help that they give. So if you can find what the people around you want and what their agenda is then you are on your way to world domination. OK, maybe not the world, but your own terrestrial sphere, and remember the world is not fair and it's OK to push for your share. I have a definition of a person that gets along with everyone it's called a "doormat".Between two evils, I always choose the one I never tried before.
Mae WestTop of the page
Thanks to my unusual web site name I get a lot of free advertising... So, people, if you want to tell someone off that's your business. However,if you sign your flame mail with something like fu@mindyourownbusiness.com, and then in your rage you mistype your targets email address, guess what? It comes to me, yes, I get all kinds of returned flame mail that probably should not have been sent in the first place.
I once got 311 pieces of mail from a woman that thought the person that originally flamed her had an address of biteme@mindyourownbusiness.com. It wasn't me!!!!
I now belong to so many opt in sites and newsletters that I had no idea that I was so prolific. And some of these groups that claim to let you just send back an empty reply with something like "unsubscribe" in the subject box are lying... So if you see a posting that in some way brings disgrace to the honorable insult "Mind Your Own Business" it's not my posting. I love to tell people to mind their own business but I would never use my power to harm.
And please if you have to tell someone off get their address right or it will end up floating around in cyberspace and may end up in my mailbox...A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
Oscar WildeTop of the page
So now what are the news hounds going to live off of? The cheap news stations have been living off this "crisis". They have been putting on the so called experts and letting them argue and call it news. It's cheap, but really it's only an pseudo intelligent version of Jerry Springer. So are they actually going to hire real reporters, and actually put on what has traditionally been considered news.
I doubt it. That would cost some money and they have a format that's working for them. So what's going to be the new news that's news. Sure they will bleed the impeachment until something as juicy comes along. But what would ever give the juice that a sex scandal in the white house provided.The stories to watch for could include:
Drug use in the entertainment industry.
Homosexuality in childrens programming?
Religious zealots predicting the end of the world.
All hosted by Jerrrrryyy Springgeeerrrr!!!!!! Bring on the scandals...
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
Maryon PearsonTop of the page
Valentines day approaches and if you don't get something in advance you could end up in a bind. Several years ago I walked into a flower shop on Valentines day and ask for a delivery to be made. When the clerk got done laughing (She needed a good laugh ) I was informed that I would have had to preplan V'day. So I got one of the few arrangements that was left and my honey was still happy.
But if she would have had a bouquet sent to her workplace and had it sitting on her desk all day I would have been golden... I like open displays of affections. Sure their are ways to have this blow up in your face. But when they work, they work big!! Flowers are a safe bet and Valentines is as safe a day to employ them. Go for it, and let me know how it works out.Top of the page
Post: You'd be stupid too if you had a big stick between your legs that went stiff every time you saw big boobs.
Elucidation: So how the hell did we get here. "Boobs" are a sexual organ(s) and should provide stimulation to a heterosexual male. It's how reality works, and if you are going to get offended when someone finds you attractive you may be making the world more hostile than it actually is. Now some people go to far and I've met some like that. But in the mainstream most people respond normally to stimulation that is presented to them.
Now we must keep our urges within reason but I'm not going to stop thinking about sex, I like sex. And sex likes me...
And I hope that I'm not shocking anyone but other people think about sex. And if you don't think about sex I would worry and get some help.... I just had a thought about sex ... there's another one . . .. . one more. . ... Oh wait, here comes a beer commercial ... shoot, it's just them damn lizards.A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
Oliver HerfordTop of the page
Atlanta has won the toss, testosterone is at a fever pitch. Jason is set to kick, and the wind blows over the ball. Jason is reset to kick the ball, the wind blows over the ball again...
Superbowl XXXIII is off and stumbling. Which of course brings to mind the obvious and not so obvious metaphors. The one that I hear the most is that it's represents warfare, oohhh the testosterone is dripping. How about the metaphor of sex, you have the safeties, the pigskin, and of course the handoff...
The biggest thing about the game today is the hype surrounding it. One must watch it just to have something to talk about Monday morning. Even if it's just to discuss the commercials. How many people will be talking about the Blue Moon and eclipse that occurred on Sunday? Go team...He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho MarxTop of the page
Excuse me I have to loosen my belt to allow blood to flow to my brain.... aawwww..... That's what needed to solve all mens problems, more blood to their brain. It's just a hypothesis at this point, but it's as good a solution as any I've heard. If there is anyone out there that wants to sponsor my experiment just let me know.
The other possibility is back scratching, I know what that does to me. Looser trousers and back scratching could change the course of male evolution. I don't think that I would have any problems finding volunteers for that research.
The other possibility is sex, but with six billion people on the earth I don't think that's the key to the next evolutionary step.
Imagine the ad "subjects needed to see if comfortable clothes and having their back scratched changes their life". How much do you think I could charge the people to participate.If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Dan QuayleTop of the page
Comedy shows that aren't funny (like the impeachment trial).
Newsmen that editorialize. I don't care what they think just give us the facts
Teasers for shows that are better than the shows.
Sequels, repeats, repacked colorized take-offs of something that was good ... once.
People that tell others how to act.
Oooops, ignore that last one....
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Bobby SlaytonTop of the page
My predictions for 1999 === Jan 14
The trial of the century will be a dud. He did it and no one cares???
My other predictions:
Elizabeth Dole will be a front runner after being caught not having an affair with an intern.
The world will not come to an end, but that won't stop people from trying to cash in on it.
Cults will grow and become more dangerous, after accepting their new leader, Josilyn Elders.
A Pro wrestlers will be killed in the ring, and the tribute will be the highest rated show in history.
There will be several unexplainable outbreaks of severe colonic explosions (centered in Washington)
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
George Bernard ShawTop of the page
Time for people who screwed at least one thing up in their lives to make amends. And it's amazing how many actually try to improve. If you don't belong to a gym you'll miss one of the greatest examples of this. The health club I used to belong to went nuts through January with people out of shape puffin' and huffin'. Last year I changed Clubs and joined one owned by Nuns. It's nice to work out with the Sisters, people are on their best behavior. It's almost like stepping back in time when people were expected to be nice to each other.
But the new year will age and people that over did their workouts will quit going to the gym. The status quo will return and the rut will get deeper. I'll still will be hangin' with the sisters thou... I hope you all find a place just as cool.Top of the page
OK, maybe it's just shopping but some of you out there need to take a pill, may I recommend cyanide. I read an article in our newspaper that the stress that men experience during holiday shopping can rise to the level of a jet fighter pilot. But still some of you seem to enjoy being a dick more than you should.
For those of you that can't relate to the problem at hand, you might be part of the problem. Take the following test to see how many points you collect.If someone makes a mistake driving, you wish he was dead === add 5 points
If you have to have to park within 5 spots of the stores door === add 2 points
If you cuss more than twice in any sentence while driving === add 3 points
You steer with one hand to save the other for gesturing === add 4 points
You find yourself hating someone you don't even know === add 5 points
You survey what's in the car that can be used as a weapon === add 6 pointsIf you have more than one point you might want to relax. And I hope that I don't meet you on the road. Happy Holidays, and good will to all...
Music hath charm to sooth a savage beast - but I'd try a revolver first.
Josh Billings
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Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum. So how many of you reading this right now are blitzed, buzzed or obliterated in some way right now. In the coming seasons of joy I would like to challenge the space cadets among us to try to take a chance on trying a social situation straight. It's a lot of fun and this is one of the best seasons to rebuild relationships.
It is very illuminating to sit in a bar and watch the drunks. Save that kind of trouble for New Years Eve, and even then take care. Here's a tip for single guys, sit near the waitress station and the women that are drinking soda are probably the best chance for a positive relationship. That's something someone else told me and you can check it out for yourself if you want.
I hope that you all will have a safe and positive holiday experience. I'll try and turn back into the satirical bastard that I love for the new year. Happy Holidays!!!
I feel that there is an angel inside me whom I am constantly shocking.
Jean CocteauTop of the page
Winning an argument === Nov 18
A man cannot win an argument with a woman, don't even try. Sure you can win the battle but rest assured that you will lose the war. There is a double standard alive and well that clearly shouldn't be crossed.
Picture this; a woman stands in front of a judge and says that a man was threatening her, so she threw a kick to his testicles. Now picture a man in front of the same judge and he says he felt threatened by a woman so he pushed her (no physical injury inflicted). Which person has the best chance to walk out the door with no charges against them.
Etiquette supports this ... really! Even though paternalism is now consider a dirty word, if I see an argument between a woman and a man I will immediately think the man looks like an ass. I can't help it, it is somehow hardwired into my brain.
If an injustice is inflicted on you by a woman (and even a man) don't argue. If someone wants to draw you into an argument, don't waste your time. If it's really important stay cool and let the other person vent, and after they cool off point out where you feel your right. Your testicles will thank you and so will everybody else.Men have more problems than women. In the
first place, they have to put up with women.
Francoise SaganTop of the page
I can remember in Literature class we were broken up in small group to discuss womens role in Literature throughout history. It seems that women have been oppressed and had almost no role in contributing to the mass of writing that has occurred in the past. I was looking forward to an intellectual discourse and was shocked at the beginning of our debate. One of the women in our group set the tone of our talk by making the first statement "all men are pigs"...
It is hard to argue from the aspect of pigdom. If I had just squealed it might have misconstrued as being rude. And should anyone go on the offensive and defend oppression??? I loved community college, I learned that I was a pig. Oink!
Women have their faults. Men only have two:
Everything they say. Everything they do.
AnonymousTop of the page
Men have it rough in society, women want equality but they don't want us to be wimps... Be a man!!! Honey, would you deal with this... So where the hell does that leave us... Screwed, that's where. Can't win for trying. My wife wants equality, but lets see what happens as soon as I try on one of her dresses? OK, that's a different subject. But back to the point, I believe in equality to the depth, breath, and width, of my soul. But how many women want a man who doesn't have a pair? From the time that we come in this world we are separated, boys in blue and girls in pink. Sure that line is thinning, but is that good? And if I knew the answer to that I would be writing books instead of here.
So where to go, what to do??? The answer to that is to be yourself, be true to yourself. If you still want to open a door for a woman "Do It", offer that seat to a woman. And if she calls you a pig, smile in the knowledge that you are the best pig you can be...You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm
ColetteTop of the page
The difference in when something is considered gross is perplexing. For example, the one that I let rip in my cave is rated on a difference level than the one that passes while at the mall with my significant other. That the same noise and smell factors can elicit such different levels of feedback convinced me that this issue needs addressing.
We spend way too much time worrying about what others think of us, even when we think that we could really care less. Excluding the true sociopath, why is it necessary to evaluate ourselves in other peoples eyes.
I can remember, when I was a little child, I seen a father and his young daughter at the airport dressed to the nines. She dropped a couple of drips of ice cream on the floor, and even though the floor was a filthy mess, he made her go get a napkin and clean it up. I remember thinking how important a lesson that girl learned and thought how much hell she would put her future kids through when they made a mess. Lord help her future significant other if he let one rip while at the mall. So my theory rests on that ... one man ... in the airport... causing my wife to take a piece out of my ass when she thought I was too gross at the mall. OK, she said, its was because I grossed her out, but I'm sticking with my story...I'm not confused, I'm just well mixed.
Robert FrostTop of the page
I've been busy promoting this site and what a pain in the ass that is. I've got banners, reciprocal links, a free for all links page and a headache. I think I've listed on 200 plus search engines and have studied meta this and keywords that. I've resisted spending money as this site is not intended to make me rich, even if I have been tempted to put a couple of money generating banner on it. There is so much crap that you can bastardize a well meaning site with that I wonder about the future of the web. Will all sites have the same attempts at futility, will content be lost and advertisement win.
For only 19.95 I have a product that will change your life!!! Add an additional 10.00 and you'll receive the deluxe version that will change it more!!! Throw in another 49.95 and the change will be automatic, you won't have to do a thing. Hell, give us 200.00 and we won't even send you anything. We'll handle all the changes to your life on our end. Bless you and amen...America is a place where Jewish merchants sell Zen love beads to agnostics for Christmas
John Burton BrimerTop of the page
An actual piece on etiquette === Oct 4
I got something to say about the champions of etiquette, you piss me off. And I'll tell you exactly when you did it. It was an article on what we can eat with our hands and what we can't. Saying that I have to eat chicken with my knife and fork is asinine and contemptuous. Now to take a whole chicken and shove it in your mouth is clearly rude, you do need to share. But to cut the chicken into manageable pieces and then use your hands is the best way to eat the bird.
But now that I know that that has become the standard, I'm screwed. How could I be seen enjoying myself out in public, that would be uncivil. If you disagree with me on this, think about it, there is something somewhere that you disagree with. I say as long as your not using the table cloth to wipe your mouth, tell people to leave you the hell alone...I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae WestTop of the page
The web is an interesting animal that is growing at a incredible speed. The innovation I would like to see is paid advertising. Not where they pay to advertise, but were they pay me. Millions of dollars are spent just this year on soda pop alone, where's my share??? I can see it now, ISDN connections for every house paid for by auto advertising, wide screen monitors courtesy of your friendly phone company. During the superbowl, which you would be watching on your 'puter, instead of a commercial, a menu would pop up and for $1.00 you would be paid to watch a Nike ad, or you could choose a $1.25 ad from Dr. Scholls. Or, for sitting through a beer commercial you would receive a coupon which is automatically printed off on your printer. The future would be better off with selective advertising, PAY ME and at least I'll watch.
In further advertising news I'm in the development stage of the telemarketer stun phone. Hey, I said nicely to take me off of your phone list and you still won't quit calling ZAP.... (insert maniacal laughter here).Oscar Wilde: Do you mind if I smoke
Sarah Bernhardt: I don't care if you burn
Top of the page
A man who was in the navy was visiting Thailand and had three days to sample the culture, food, and the other refined enticements. He set off and right away got a hotel room at the Holiday Inn and then started on an arduously hard task of drinking. The open air bars that lined the beach road offered little relief from the heat but the green beer did.
Only after several hours of sun and fun did a fellow sailor offer the first hint of what the these three days were going to be like. The grasping idiot, who was blitzed, had rented a motorcycle and while trying to navigate the corner in front of the bar - failed. He ran into a post on the corner destroying the motorcycle. He stood up and with blood running down the sides of his head walked up to the bar and ordered a beer. Only after the shore patrol found him did he finally go get medical help.
The first fatality, a sailor drinking at one of the open air bars died of a heart attack.
The beach was being over run by drunken sailors which chased off most of the tourists. Some of the tourist stayed however, enjoying the careless attitude of the sailors gone wild.
Toward the end of that first day some more news traveled across the beach. Two chief petty officers were dead. They had rented a speed boat and somehow hit another boat and drowned. This may not seem bizarre until you realize that the boat they hit was the USS Kitty Hawk, an aircraft carrier. Drinking was suspected.
Late that first night our gentleman feeling the need to be closer to a safe place to fall down went back to his hotel. Much to his surprise their bar was closed and there was only one person behind the desk in the whole downstairs area. Feeling restless, our hero, wandered around and found a door marked "storage". It wasn't locked so he went in and found the light switch which was lucky because he was standing at the top of a flight of stairs. He went down and looked around until at last ... booze. He drank and drank, smoked and drank some more. Until something strange happened, his careless flicking of his cigarettes around the room started a fire. He thought as clearly as he could and managed to rescue a couple bottles of wine. He left the storage area and stumbled around until he found the elevator and after staring long and hard at his keys punched the number for his floor.
Staggering down the hallway he came across an open door. He looked in and seen a man passed out on his bed. He shook him, which seemed like the right thing to do, and was rewarded with some guttural sound for his effort. So like a drunk in a candy shop, our protagonist, " our hero ", took the guys wallet, watch, rings and even the loose change out of his pocket. Upon arriving at his own room he sat by the window and watched as the fire engines arrived. He counted the money, and looked at the watch, and drank until he passed out.
By the end of the third day six men were dead, their bodies stored in the refers on the ship. It was a crazy time, the Vietnam war was just over, and there was some sailors who needed a chance to, at least for awhile, escape.Top of the page
ed. note: My wife read this and asked if I got caught ... It wasn't me. And why did she immediately suspect it was me?
- Alcohol is a liquid that can put the wreck into recreation.
Anonymous
I would watch it, but four hours of that guy cringing is more than I could bear without beer. And it's just to early to drink, so I'll wait for the highlights which should be on repeatedly, with of course with all the spin doctors telling me what to think. I wouldn't make a good spin doctor, I'd rather tell a person where to go, than what to think. I don't think that Clinton should resign just because then we would have a president named "Gore". Especially with the end of the century right around the corner. Every fanatic would point to that as a sign of the end of the world. Gore in 1999, more Gore in 2000, so much Gore I can't take anymore. He seems like a good enough guy, but there's a lot to be said about someones name. Lets take a liberal look at some names in the news.
Lewinsky == Lewd isn't she
Gingrich == Grinch
Ken Starr == Can he
Al Gore == Gore
If you got some more send me an e-mail.My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference.
Harry S. Truman
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While in the book store today I seen a book called "Pit Bull" in the business section. Which is just about right, we live in a dog eat dog world. Survival of the fittest is alive and well in the world and if you want something you better be ready to fight for it.
I went to a martial art tournament Saturday and an awesome fighter won his first two matches decisively, but was disqualified in his third for drawing blood, which is a rule in that style. The man that held the tournament (hereafter called the guy) called the disqualification. The guy was then told that the other fighter had actually drawn first blood but the referee had continued the fight anyway. The disqualified fighter complained that he even had shown the referee the injury, but then the guy said the disqualification was for bad sportsmanship. Since the guy had the final word, that was that. The next fight contained the guy son, his kid still lost.
Nice story but what does it mean? That even the guys that can get what they want can't control everything. This guy tried to protect his son and only embarrassed him. In our own cave is the only time that we are truly King, and even then the Queen has a say.What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity
Anonymous
Top of the page
If your in a gym and your grunting loudly, you're suffering from "macho smacho" disease. There is only one know cure for this and it involves "stop being a dick".
No one wants to hear you grunt even if your lifting four times your own weight. Now if your in a pro contest where your already the center or attention grunting loudly may be cool. But to draw attention to yourself while your benching 60 pounds means your being a dick. The louder the grunt the bigger the dick you are. Don't be a dick.
I understand that men seek domination by being the rudest in a group, belching and farting contest exist. I don't deny this. But to grunt, squeal or even yell while lifting in a gym is garish and blatantly rude I had to speak out about it.
They should put a sign that says "don't be a dick" in a gym. They could put it near the sign over the locker room that says "this is where all the dicks hang out".I don't wish to belong to any club that would have me as a member
Groucho Marx
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Trying to find humor in taxes is like trying to lick your own testicles. It may seem to actually be an interesting concept but is nothing more than pure futility in a plain brown wrapper. I feel like yelling "taxes be not proud" but I end up mumbling "bite me" and then lie as much as possible.
Death on the other hand is truly the only absolute between the two of these. You can't cheat, lie or procrastinate when death knocks. To come to peace with death I found my own unique way. I believe that it's the only true way to find out what the ultimate truth is, Heaven, reincarnation, nothing, or something totally unimaginable. This has taken my fear and uncertainty and funneled it into excitement. "Life, the ultimate ride with a surprise ending," let Disney try to beat that. It's not a concept for everyone, but its given me peace and in my cave everything is welcome as long as it doesn't piss me off.Everybody wants to go back to nature - but not on foot
Werner Mitsch
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He who has the remote is the ruler of the roost. No exceptions and no excuses, if that remote isn't in your hand than you gave it up. All social and psycho babble aside, the man who doesn't have that remote is living an altered reality. And that's cool, modern etiquette says to be inclusive, not to laugh at the least of our brothers.
Why is this important you might wonder???? We're men damit, enough said. OK, maybe I can't do justice to that explanation. However, in the book of Genesis the lord gave explicit instructions for the man to have the remote. It may not be there word for word buts it's clearly implied.When one find himself in a hole of his own making,
it is a good time to examine the quality of workmanship.
Jon Remmerde
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Computer in the mist === Sept 14
Shoot it, kick it and if there's a shimmer of power left set it on fire;-> When dealing with tech support try to remember that there's an actual person on the phone. And not some sadistic, egomaniacal, illiterate who's standing between you and the information that you need. What is needed is more female techs, that way when I feel like I'm getting screwed at least it won't be a total loss. I have never had a female tech support person so I can't speak from experience but I think it would be better to keep me calm.
It's takes a real confident man to let a woman step in and solve his problem. Men who can't handle this are insecure and wimps. The male etiquette that says we're better is outdated and obsolete. In this time zone we have to live on our individual character and consistency in delivering the goods.On one issue at least, men and women agree - they both distrust women
H. L. Menchen
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Male posturing is alive and well at the county fair. Throwing baseballs at little jugs or swinging a sledgehammer to make a bell ring at the top of a post is as macho as it gets. Interactive, engrossing, fun for all, it's a blast. It's definitely a place to take a date or family. Etiquette in this situation is to go all the way, don't scrimp or hold back. Swing that sledge or take the kid on all the rides that they'll go on. This is as good a chance to bond as it gets and you don't want to be perceived as a cold fish.
My wife had so much fun I can literally hunker down in my cave for months and sit on my glory. 'Cause like the primitive cave man that had to go out and slay the saber tooth, we have to go out of the cave occasionally and slay that boredom and tedium that our long lives provide. Compared to fighting a saber tooth I'll take a chance at letting it all hang out at the fair.A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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62 homers is quite a feat. I'm impressed to the point of actually watching baseball again, oh wait, there's golf on today. It's a fine day in the cave when I own the remote and I only have to flick to take these jerks into submission. Here *flick* I'm not impressed *flick* OOOhhh, did that hurt *flick* aaaahhhhhh.
62 homers is a agonizing defeat, a long standing record bit the dust. Give me 30 million and I'll set a record, that will be new and amazing. How about a record run on a dial indexing machine making brass couplings. Or, the most roofing tiles laid in eight hours on a second story roof. *flick* maybe there's something interesting here *flick* shit *flick* what crap *flick* Yeah, right... It's a beautiful day, the fairs in town, I'll see you later...
Top of the page
There's electricity in the air that would mean something big is going to happen... The end of the world?? The collapse of civilization as we know it??? A economic depression of epic proportion???? Oh wait, I think I just have gas . .. .. .. aaaahhhhhh. Well, at least I was on top of that last one.
I feel better, I made a difference, global warming be damned. Give me a remote control and 200 more channels.
From a male etiquette perspective I just changed the world. Welcome to the cave.Satire should be neither sad or tired
Tom Stewart
Our Contributor
Golf(and sports alike)
Why do men play golf? I believe it has to do with the another saying commonly used in relation to males: "Men are dogs!" In a way I believe this to be true. Golf is just a more expensive game of fetch. The only difference is that a dog, lacking the proper appendages, needs an assistant to aid in his game. Golf can be summarized very simply. Hit ball then chase ball. Fetch can be summarized very simply. Throw ball then chase ball. The similarities are astounding. I think that after countless years of verbal abuse the message women send has finally sunken in. Golf is man's need to satisfy his canine urges. Being on a higher rung on the evolutionary scale, men have naturally developed a more evolved game of fetch. Needing no assistance whatsoever men have spent numerous hours pacifying is inner urges out on the course. I expect that in the very near future the need for man to hit the ball will be extinct. He will only need to go out and happily chase objects to his hearts content.
This principle can be applied to many other sports as well.
Hunting - dogs
Football - pigs
Any sport that involves the pursuit of an object can be traced back to our animal urges and the subliminal messages issued by women.
So men, never give up the sports you love. Just remember, God gave us the will and the way, so how could it be wrong?
The women made us do it!
Justin Hake
the final quote:
Our bodies are just temporary vessels for our souls, which will go on forever. You really are an extension of the power that created the whole universe, no matter what drags you have on.
Ru Paul
Notice: The material on this site IS NOT public domain. All rants on this site are copyright Tom Stewart. All other material is (hopefully) appropriately credited.