"We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault."
"Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?"
"Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly,
slowly in the wind."
"What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank."
"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?"
"You're a parasite for sore eyes."
"Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week."
William Dean Howells
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence."
"The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind."
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard
"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the
safe side, he should be castrated anyway."
Hunter S. Thompson
"I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks
at the stork."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read."
Groucho Marx (so it's not an insult, I still liked it)
"In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority."
"I've had them both, and I don't think much of either."
Beatrix Lehmann (watching a wedding.)
"Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life."
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my
disappointment when you came along."
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
"I never liked him and I always will."
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
"I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion."
Robert Louis Stevenson
"I thought men like that shot themselves."
King George V
"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably
more than she ever did."
"He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him."
"He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food."
"He's completely unspoiled by failure."
"He's liked, but he's not well liked."
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
"I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest."
"I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other
provisions in sight."
"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
"Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others."
"Fine words! I wonder where you stole them."
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm
"You had to stand in line to hate him."
"You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you."
"You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat;
you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear."
"You're a mouse studying to be a rat."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more
of you than you do!"
"You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a
"Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the
"The perfection of rottenness."
"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but
not the power of speech."
George Bernard Shaw
"There but for the grace of God, goes God."
"There goes the famous good time that was had by all."
"Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.""
Tobias George Smolett
"Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a
"Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men
have mediocrity" thrust upon them.
Joseph Heller "Catch-22"
"That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any
"The finest woman that ever walked the streets."
"The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread."
"Time wounds all heels."
"She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers."
"She's been on more laps than a napkin."
"She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang
"She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees."
"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like
applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now
you tell me what you know."
"She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by
"She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the others
by their hunted expression."
C. S. Lewis
"So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name."
"She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation."
"She never was really charming till she died."
"She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it
"She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast
stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of
W. Somerset Maugham
"You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?"
"She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily
venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends."
"She should get a divorce and settle down."
"She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with
nothing but peanuts and filberts."
"No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a
dirty little beast."
W. S. Gilbert
"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast."
"Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only
She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the
same class of people."
"She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances
into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again."
"She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake."
"He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code."
"He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces."
"He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal
"He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head."
"I will always love the false image I had of you."
"Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?"
"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be
beating a dead horse."
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met."
"He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift
of the power to use" them.
"He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin."
Dorothy L. Sayers
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes."
"He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in
"He was trying to save both his faces."
"He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his
"A dork is a dork is a dork."
"Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep."
"Debating against him is no fun, say something insulting and he looks at
you like a whipped dog."
"Failure has gone to his head."
"God was bored by him."
"Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his
"He could never see a belt without hitting below it."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
"He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul."
David Lloyd George
"He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front."
Leonard Louis Levinson
"He is a man of splendid abilities but utterly corrupt. He shines and
stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight."
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
"He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him."
Herbert Beerbohm Tree
"He is as good as his word - and his word is no good."
"He is mad, bad and dangerous to know."
Lady Caroline Lamb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."
H. H. Munro
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
"He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle
at a time."
"He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease."
"He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds."
"He makes a July's day short as December."
"He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money."
"He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged."
"He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp."
Kate Cruise O'Brien
"He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like
he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity."
"He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep."
"He was as great as a man can be without morality."
Alexis de Tocqueville
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
"A blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before you
drench it with DDT."
"A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster."
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
"At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his
Edith Massey in "Polyester"
"Don't point that beard at me, it might go off."
"Had double chins all the way down to his stomach."
"He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating."
"He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser."
George C. Scott
"He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously."
"He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a
career of its own."
"He strains his conversation through a cigar."
"He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young
for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble."
P. G. Wodehouse
"He's a trellis for varicose veins."
"He's so fat, he can be his own running mate."
"He's so small, he's a waste of skin."
"He'd make a lovely corpse."
"Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
in a yak."
"Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look
ridiculous year after year."
"Her only flair is in her nostrils."
"Her skin was white as leprosy."
S. T. Coleridge
"His face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green with gall;
his tongue drips poison."
John Quincy Adams
"His face was filled with broken commandments."
"His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin."
John Philpot Curran
"His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with."
"I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
"I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest
"Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?"
"It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey."
"Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache."
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache."
"She is a peacock in everything but beauty."
"She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere
"She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it."
"She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has
white spots on her yellow skin."
"She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig."
"She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered."
James Matthew Barrie
"She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin."
"She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand."
"She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork."
"The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes."
"When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel
sorry - for the clothes."
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
"Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum."
P. G. Wodehouse
"Yeah, she's beautiful, but you can't find her IQ with a flashlight."
from "The Greatest American Hero"
"You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation."
Irvin S. Cobb
"A woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke."
"A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice."
"A woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hinter legs. It is
not done well; but you are surprised to see it done at all."
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
"Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest
of her body."
"The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter
than she is."
"Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to
W. C. Fields
"Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking."
"Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman."
"Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in."
"Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."
"Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre
"A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead."
"A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post."
"A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits."
"Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?"
"Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair."
"End of season sale at the cerebral department."
"Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale."
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
"He is brilliant - to the top of his boots."
David Lloyd George
"He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea."
"He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring
"He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it."
"He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to
a political career."
George Bernard Shaw
"He knows so little and knows it so fluently."
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot."
"He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in
"He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one."
Earl of Rochester
"He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop."
"He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold."
"He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not
"He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright."
"He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that
"His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons."
"His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a
hole in it anywhere."
"His ignorance is encyclopedic."
"His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it."
F. H. Bradley
"His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it."
"I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?"
"I wish I'd known you when you were alive."
Leonard Louis Levinson
"I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland."
"If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner's luck."
William Lashner "Veritas"
"Little things affect little minds."
"Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world."
"No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers."
"Please try not to be such a wiener-head."
"Sharp as a sack full of wet mice."
"She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute
W. Somerset Maugham
"She is a water bug on the surface of life."
"She's descended from a long line her mother listened to."
Gypsy Rose Lee
"Stay with me; I want to be alone."
"Teflon brain (nothing sticks.)"
"That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic
life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
Thomas Brackett Reed
"Useless as a pulled tooth."
Mary Roberts Rinehart
"What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about?
from "Murphy Brown"
"What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement."
"When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?"
"While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either."
"You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is
"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to
get rid of it."
"A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally."
"A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed
"A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own
"Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to
the utterly bewildered."
"An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he'd have someone to look
"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board."
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions -
the curtain was up."
"I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes
all of the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money's sake."
John D. Rockefeller
"If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to
end, I wouldn't be surprised."
"If there's anything disgusting about the movie business, it's the
whoredom of my peers."
"In the United States today, we have more than our share of the
nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the
'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history."
Spiro T. Agnew (about the press, 1970)
"Jazz: Music invented for the torture of imbeciles."
"Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls."
"Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed
him with the ability to write."
A. E. Housman
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of
Congress; but I repeat myself."
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time
"The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of
"This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be
hurled with great force."
"This is one of those big, fat paperbacks, intended to while away a
monsoon or two, which, if thrown with a good over arm action, will bring a water
buffalo to its knees."
Nancy Banks-Smith (review of M. M. Kaye's "The Far Pavilions")
"Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty."
"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible
voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."